I came home and said "I love you," to my eight-month-old son, and whispered so his mum couldn't hear: "more than mummy." She heard this and thought I meant that I love him more than I love her, and said: "that's ok, I love him more than I love you, too."

I'd meant that I love him more than she loves him and got quite upset to find out that she loves him more than she loves me.

"I love you both equally!" I said, which was of course a lie.

This led to the conversation: if the three of us we were on a sinking ship and there were only two places on the lifeboat, who would you leave behind?

I said: "of course I'd make you and K- (our son) take the places and I'd stay behind."

"Good," said my girlfriend, and turned to signify that the conversation was over.

"Hey, wait a minute!" I said, "what about you?"

"Well, it's better that you stay behind," she said. "I can look after K- better."

"Yeah," I said. "But aren't you at least going to offer me a place on the life-boat? I would never take it, but it would be nice to be offered!"

"Ok," she sighed. "Would you like the place on the life-boat?"

"No," I sighed, and left feeling that DiCaprio had had it much better.

 

Since I've lived in Germany it has been brought into stark contrast how insanely polite we are (I'm talking about the English here). If there's one piece of cake left on the plate we won't dare take it, even if we really want it. If we do, it's not without a great hoo-haa involving such insincerities as "please take it," "are you sure?" "Shall we share it?" and so on. This last piece of cake has come to be known among my German friends as the English Piece, and is – to the continual dismay of the English people present – normally eaten by a German. Likewise, I'm sure that most of those who died on the Titanic were English, simply because they were too polite to take a place on the lifeboat: "No you take it." "No please, you." "No, please, I insist," they would say as the Americans and those of other nationalities clambered aboard, not believing their luck. I can just see the slightly baffled expressions on the faces of all those English people left on board as they were swallowed by the freezing water.

My girlfriend despairs at my inability to simply say "no" in any situation. If I can get out of directly telling someone "no" then I will. When door-to-door salespeople come round I have whole routines where I pretend I can't speak German, that I don't live in Germany, that I'm just visiting a friend, and so on. There is something inside, something innately English, that won't allow me to just say "no!" It's like when someone asks you how you are: are you really going to tell them that you feel like shit? The furthest you might go is: "mustn't grumble." But the truth? Never! I'm English, God damn you!

I tell you, many a salesperson has left my front door utterly bewildered. Perhaps, not unjustifiably, they seem to think that if I'm not interested I will just say "no," rather than going through this whole charade. How little they know.

 

However, I'm not convinced that it's such a bad thing (unless you are on the Titanic – I would certainly have died). If everyone understands the rules then it all works itself out. The problems only arise when you take us off our island. Perhaps that's why we are generally so xenophobic. Hundreds of years of being left behind to die in burning castles and on sinking ships because we are too polite to say what we really think has taught us not to trust foreigners. And perhaps it's because of all this unnecessary death, which has left us feeling a little bit foolish, that we've developed our searing condescension of the stupid foreigners too stupid to understand our complex rules of social engagement.

Oh, and how we condescend and ridicule! Who among us English doesn't like to make a good Hitler joke? I mean, what would the world be coming to if you couldn't trivialise genocide for a quick laugh? The French? Well, make sure you check the local pond before you accept a dinner invitation from one of them is all I can say. And don't even get me started on the dumb, red-neck Americans: "it's gonna be a real small wedding cuz ma wife's ma sister and ma mama..."

We might be rubbish at football, cricket, rugby and all the games we've invented. We might often die unnecessary deaths because of our politeness, but no one can ridicule like us.

Yeah, it's great being English, except, of course when it comes to saying "no."