Are you a regular at the Shame Shack? It’s that all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of disapproval behind the paranoia warehouse inside your own Lizard Brain. Once we become mothers, some of us start hanging out there all day like judgment junkies, wolfing down all the self-denial it takes to honor The First Commandment of Martyrdom: Thou Shalt Not Complain. Motherhood’s primary taboo. Without that one, all the heapin’ helpin’s of shame in the world won’t stick to your ribs.

But is kvetching really a WMD? Maybe it’s time to take a closer look at what the Shame Shack’s been dishin’ out. This Valentine’s Day, before you get up to bake someone that special Valentine’s cake, before you shape your kids’ pancakes into hearts, before you force back the bile of resentment one more time, feast your eyes on the Specialties of the House (and a few antidotes for toxic claptrap).

1. CLASSIC STALE FRUITCAKE: “COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.”
But who doesn’t? Like having the flu while changing diapers, counting your blessings and expressing a feeling are not mutually exclusive!

2. SPARTAN STEW: “YOU MADE YOUR BED, NOW LIE IN IT.”
What if the colonists who started this country had done what they were “supposed to do” instead of complaining?

3. RAW MIND GAME MEDLEY: “WHO EVER TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE EASY?”
When starvation was imminent, did the Donner Party waste time condemning each other for lack of foresight?

4. HOMEMADE UPSIDE DOWN DOUBLE BIND CAKE: “MY MOTHER RAISED SEVEN CHILDREN BY HERSELF AND SHE NEVER COMPLAINED.”
I don’t think Lizzy Borden complained much either. Does that make her a saint?

5. DOORMAT DIET PLATE: “THEY’LL BE GROWN AND GONE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. AFTER THAT YOU CAN BE AS SELFISH AS YOU WANT.”

If feelings are selfish, then either feelings are bad or selfishness is good. You must choose. So choose wisely.

6. THE CATCH 22 OF THE DAY : “DON’T ROCK THE BOAT.”
If a feeling can rock the boat, it's time to get a bigger boat!

7. BAKED ALBATROSS: “IF YOU CAN’T FEEL SOMETHING NICE, DON’T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.”
So… the only good mother is a dead mother?

8. UNLEAVENED BILE BRIOCHE: “IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN.”
Call the Mommy Police! Somebody wants to exercise her First Amendment Rights!


9. CAT O’ NINE TAILS CASSEROLE: “MAYBE YOU WEREN’T CUT OUT TO BE A MOTHER.”
And who was? The problem is not what you were cut out to be. It’s what the psychological liposuction carved off your soul so you could squeeze into that Maternal Perfection Suit.

10. SYCOPHANT SUZETTE: “WHAT IF EVERYBODY DID THAT?”
Maybe it's time everybody did!


“Is that all the Martyr Menu’s got?” you’re probably saying. “Bring on the dessert cart!” So indulge yourself this Valentine's Day! Not just the side of you with warm brownies and bedtime stories, but the dark side too. Where all the “Bad Mother” feelings get stuffed. Remember, that’s the side that really needs some love! So go on, live a little: Kvetch!

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Joan Bechtel @2005 All Rights Reserved

Recovering martyr, Joan Bechtel, is also an award-winning comedienne, early childhood educator and author of MOTHERHOOD CONFIDENTIAL, offering workshops in Personalized Parenting, helping women out of the dogma-doo to find their own personally-correct answers. To order the first half of her book fre.e and one half hour fre.e Personalized Parenting coaching go to http://www.MotherhoodConfidential.com